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Take The Leave of Absence
May. 8th, 1998 01:58 amPreserved from AOL mailbox:
From my participation in the Vegetarian Weight Removers Mailing List run by Elle Hayes-Cook
Subj: Hey, Marion, take the leave!
Date: 5/8/98
To:vegwr@eatsleepcode.com
When my mom had her first stroke (about 4 years ago), my dad went into a complete withdrawal --- refused to deal with anything --- so it all fell to me and I was overwhelmed. She'd always been so healthy, I never expected anything bad to happen, and then out of the blue my gentle, sweet mom couldn't move, couldn't speak except to curse and rage, and didn't know who I was. They lived in a walk-up apartment and I had to find them a new place and get them moved in, in addition to dealing with all aspects of trying to understand what had happened and what she needed, supervise her care, try to make sense of their finances (Dad didn't know what kind of insurance they had, or if they even had any, or where the papers were and of course, mom couldn't say) and take care of the bills, and, when she got out of the hospital, rehab, plus taking care of my dad's needs (he was just beginning to show signs of Alzheimer's then, but he'd never cooked a meal or done a load of laundry in his life). He couldn't shop or cook --- he'd just sit alone at the table and cry and wait for food to appear. I'd sit at my desk at work and worry that I wasn't doing enough for mom & dad. When I was taking care of them, I'd worry that I wasn't performing my job. And I never got caught up anywhere.
Finally, my boss offered me a family leave. I took a month off and even though I lost a month's pay it was the best thing I could have done. I was able to devote full time to making arrangements for my mom, I had time to find help with dad, and I had time to meet with all the social workers and medical personnel involved and become an advocate for my mom's care (note: nurses respond very well if you show up with a pizza).
I ALSO had time to contact a lot of her old friends and her former co-workers. Most of them had no idea that she was in such bad shape and many offered to help in some small way. Normally I would have said, no, no, thank you. But I accepted every offer gratefully, and instead of saying, yes, whatever you can do will be appreciated, I actually had the nerve to SUGGEST things that people could do --- like please bring my dad some groceries (he needed food everyday cause he'd forget to put things away and they'd spoil) or please do a load of laundry or please call the utility company and tell them my folks are moving.
People never think to offer things like that, but they were an enormous help. And I even had time to find a support group. It was an insane month, and I never rested for a minute, but I got so much accomplished. When my leave was up, I was able to 1) understand that I had done everything I possibly could for my mom and 2) I was able to get back to work and really focus on what I was doing. Anyway, that's my experience with a leave of absence. It just gives you the time to get caught up and regain some measure of control over your life. Marion, I urge you to take the leave you've been offered. Right now you are getting close to running on empty, and if you get run down and sick, you won't be able to help mom, do your job OR take care of yourself. Thank your boss and take the time. You need it, kiddo.
Best wishes.
From my participation in the Vegetarian Weight Removers Mailing List run by Elle Hayes-Cook
Subj: Hey, Marion, take the leave!
Date: 5/8/98
To:vegwr@eatsleepcode.com
When my mom had her first stroke (about 4 years ago), my dad went into a complete withdrawal --- refused to deal with anything --- so it all fell to me and I was overwhelmed. She'd always been so healthy, I never expected anything bad to happen, and then out of the blue my gentle, sweet mom couldn't move, couldn't speak except to curse and rage, and didn't know who I was. They lived in a walk-up apartment and I had to find them a new place and get them moved in, in addition to dealing with all aspects of trying to understand what had happened and what she needed, supervise her care, try to make sense of their finances (Dad didn't know what kind of insurance they had, or if they even had any, or where the papers were and of course, mom couldn't say) and take care of the bills, and, when she got out of the hospital, rehab, plus taking care of my dad's needs (he was just beginning to show signs of Alzheimer's then, but he'd never cooked a meal or done a load of laundry in his life). He couldn't shop or cook --- he'd just sit alone at the table and cry and wait for food to appear. I'd sit at my desk at work and worry that I wasn't doing enough for mom & dad. When I was taking care of them, I'd worry that I wasn't performing my job. And I never got caught up anywhere.
Finally, my boss offered me a family leave. I took a month off and even though I lost a month's pay it was the best thing I could have done. I was able to devote full time to making arrangements for my mom, I had time to find help with dad, and I had time to meet with all the social workers and medical personnel involved and become an advocate for my mom's care (note: nurses respond very well if you show up with a pizza).
I ALSO had time to contact a lot of her old friends and her former co-workers. Most of them had no idea that she was in such bad shape and many offered to help in some small way. Normally I would have said, no, no, thank you. But I accepted every offer gratefully, and instead of saying, yes, whatever you can do will be appreciated, I actually had the nerve to SUGGEST things that people could do --- like please bring my dad some groceries (he needed food everyday cause he'd forget to put things away and they'd spoil) or please do a load of laundry or please call the utility company and tell them my folks are moving.
People never think to offer things like that, but they were an enormous help. And I even had time to find a support group. It was an insane month, and I never rested for a minute, but I got so much accomplished. When my leave was up, I was able to 1) understand that I had done everything I possibly could for my mom and 2) I was able to get back to work and really focus on what I was doing. Anyway, that's my experience with a leave of absence. It just gives you the time to get caught up and regain some measure of control over your life. Marion, I urge you to take the leave you've been offered. Right now you are getting close to running on empty, and if you get run down and sick, you won't be able to help mom, do your job OR take care of yourself. Thank your boss and take the time. You need it, kiddo.
Best wishes.
